I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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