Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
