Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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