Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
