i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
