great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
