a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
