Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
