I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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