Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
