i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
