I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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