Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Its about making memories worth repressing
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
