its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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