i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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