By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
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