We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
