how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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