Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
