this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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