Tell her she can't have a vagina
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I have already put on my inside pants.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
