I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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