She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
