hotel room ftw
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Terrible idea I love it
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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