Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
