I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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