I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
