One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
