I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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