I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
don't judge my taste in strippers
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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