i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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