I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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