if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
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