i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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