That's when you crack a 10am beer
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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