sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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