my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
