my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
