do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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