my phone needs a breathalizer
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
