Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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