My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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