Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
