You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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