Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
