Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
