i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
