Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
