so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
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