oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
