Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
