Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
FUCK WHALES
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