thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
